remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
