Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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