Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
