the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the condom got lost in my hair
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
