y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
