what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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