in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
