if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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