but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
