today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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