Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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