When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
