I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
