woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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