I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
