so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
