Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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