I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
