the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
