why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
