i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
