If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
