Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
