I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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