She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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