You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Randomize
