**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
