Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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