What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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