I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
