i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
