I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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