There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize