Already got asked if we're dating
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize