She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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