I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
