Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
