How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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