just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
