just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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