I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
