We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
