My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
false alarm. still invincible.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
