I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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