God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
