if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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