Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
We got so high we made milksteak
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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