He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
