Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
