I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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