I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Drake has all the answers
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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