i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.