What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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