i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
