I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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