Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
