I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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