You work out of a Hotel?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
