i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
