Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
