Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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