i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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