Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
